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Feliz Navidog!

26 Dec

Sometimes I think Big Red is losing her mind, as demonstrated here.  022

It was a peaceful Sunday afternoon. I was reclining majestically on Red’s leopard-print Snuggie, contemplating the true meaning of Christmas. Okay, I was dreaming about deep-fried Spam, but fuzzy polyester has that effect on me. Anyway, with an unsettlingly gleeful look in her eye, Red bundled Lola and me up unceremoniously, carried us out in the rain, and plopped us into the car. When we got to PetSmart, she put us and one of our car-beds into a shopping cart and wheeled us inside to get our picture taken with Santa. It was pretty corny, but I went along with it because Red was so excited.  Santa asked what I wanted, and I said that I just wanted to get through this photo-op without Lola panicking and wetting herself like she did at the groomer. Thank you, Santa; another crisis averted. I’ve been good this year (really a saint for having put up with Lola as pleasantly as I have), so I’d love to wrap my lips around that Spam whenever you’re in the neighborhood, but I won’t be at Casa de Momo.

You see, we’re going for a visit this week, Lola and I, while Red takes a trip. She says she is going to investigate Lola’s “roots,” like she’s a shrubbery or something, and learn a bit about her past. I have a feeling that the crazy-eyed critter (Lola, not Red), is envious of my book’s success and wants to write one of her own. Here is how I think it would go: “Blah, blah, blah, shudder, shudder, blah, blah, blah.” And then more of that. Well, good luck to her. She’s a bit of a novelty, to be sure, but she’s no Biker Chihuahua!

Be that as it may, Red is taking us to stay for the week with a nice lady named Patti. Patti likes to look after other people’s dogs in her house, which is nice and has a big backyard. I’m fine with it, because I can lay in the sunshine a lot and bark at the tortoise that lives in the side yard. Red wasn’t sure how Lola would cope, though, since she’s never had a sleep-away before. So she took us to see Eddy, the animal communicator, and asked him to explain it to Lola. She actually listened to him, which proves how good he is, because in order to get her to listen to me I have to growl at her until she cowers, then tell her things while I lick her face gently.

I’m going to be a good big brother and watch over her while we are visiting with Patti. Just for fun, though, I’m going to tell her to make sure that the last thing Red sees is Lola looking trembly and devastated, just so she doesn’t get into the habit of going away too often. (Red, not Lola.) Then we can start exploring and having fun, and Red can desperately try to un-see the tragic mental image tattooed on her guilt-ridden maternal psyche. “Roots,” my ass.

It won’t be too hard to be a good big brother, though. Lola can be kind of sweet when she’s not being a pain. And after a week in that big, sunny backyard, I might not even be in such a hurry to go home! Just kidding. It’ll be a fun week, and I’ll be happy to go home when it’s over. After all, home is where the Snuggie is.


31 Oct

This is what it looked like when we started out for our walk this morning:

It looked like freakin’ midnight. I knew that it was Halloween, because Big Red made me wear this:

So I thought the dark-as-a-bat’s-crotch death march was her idea of a Trick, but she explained that it was dark in the early morning because we hadn’t “fallen back” yet. I nodded wisely, because I went to my share of parties like that back in the day. Shoot, it ain’t a party til glass is breaking and folks are falling back. Lola is too young to understand, though, because this is her first Halloween. Naturally, like any good big brother, I lorded my expertise over her with smug insouciance, but I don’t think she noticed. She was too busy freaking out over each small, rustly object that blew past us in the eerie darkness. (OK, maybe I deliberately walked on the extra-crispy leaves  a few times, but, what the heck? It’s Howl-oween!) By the way, Lola doesn’t need a costume; her crazy eyes reflecting the moonlight could give anyone the piss-chills.

Now, on to my favorite part: the treat! (I’m looking forward to tonight. In my fantasy, I return home triumphantly bearing a pillowcase filled with pork rinds, sliders, Slim Jims and cheese balls rolled in extra-crispy bacon. But, I digress.) Finally, they came! The boxes with my books inside finally arrived! I was so excited that I peed on them right away, just to make sure that this happy event wasn’t part of my pork rinds dream. Big Red was so excited that, for a horrifying moment, I thought she might pee on the boxes, too. Thankfully, my tender retinas were spared this searing affront.

She cracked those suckers open, and there they were: copies of my long-awaited autobiography, “The Biker Chihuahua.” It was great to see my picture and my name on the cover, but the coolest part is that everybody who buys my book is helping animals in a shelter find a forever home, where they can tell their own stories! (As usual, the trick is finding someone who cares enough to listen, but that’s life.) I think you’ll get a kick out of my story. You’ll learn how I went from being a pup to being a dog, how I became Oktoberfest Bouncer of the Year, and how I masterminded a dog-friendly cathouse. You’ll even pick up a few pointers (hmm, that sounds like a joke where somebody walked into a bar… must work on that) about “predognition” and how you can use it in your own adventures. Not a bad deal, if I do say so.

So, for your Halloween treat, my dear Reader Peeps, here’s the Kindle link (mmmmm, links…) so that you can download your very own copy of “The Biker Chihuahua.” And if you would instead like a NOOK edition, that’s here at this link. It’s available in iBooks here. The Kobo edition is here. Have a laugh. Help a critter in need. When you fall back this weekend, curl up with a good book. Even though the days are getting shorter, you can still do it doggy-style!

The Author Reclines With His Book