31 Oct

This is what it looked like when we started out for our walk this morning:

It looked like freakin’ midnight. I knew that it was Halloween, because Big Red made me wear this:

So I thought the dark-as-a-bat’s-crotch death march was her idea of a Trick, but she explained that it was dark in the early morning because we hadn’t “fallen back” yet. I nodded wisely, because I went to my share of parties like that back in the day. Shoot, it ain’t a party til glass is breaking and folks are falling back. Lola is too young to understand, though, because this is her first Halloween. Naturally, like any good big brother, I lorded my expertise over her with smug insouciance, but I don’t think she noticed. She was too busy freaking out over each small, rustly object that blew past us in the eerie darkness. (OK, maybe I deliberately walked on the extra-crispy leaves  a few times, but, what the heck? It’s Howl-oween!) By the way, Lola doesn’t need a costume; her crazy eyes reflecting the moonlight could give anyone the piss-chills.

Now, on to my favorite part: the treat! (I’m looking forward to tonight. In my fantasy, I return home triumphantly bearing a pillowcase filled with pork rinds, sliders, Slim Jims and cheese balls rolled in extra-crispy bacon. But, I digress.) Finally, they came! The boxes with my books inside finally arrived! I was so excited that I peed on them right away, just to make sure that this happy event wasn’t part of my pork rinds dream. Big Red was so excited that, for a horrifying moment, I thought she might pee on the boxes, too. Thankfully, my tender retinas were spared this searing affront.

She cracked those suckers open, and there they were: copies of my long-awaited autobiography, “The Biker Chihuahua.” It was great to see my picture and my name on the cover, but the coolest part is that everybody who buys my book is helping animals in a shelter find a forever home, where they can tell their own stories! (As usual, the trick is finding someone who cares enough to listen, but that’s life.) I think you’ll get a kick out of my story. You’ll learn how I went from being a pup to being a dog, how I became Oktoberfest Bouncer of the Year, and how I masterminded a dog-friendly cathouse. You’ll even pick up a few pointers (hmm, that sounds like a joke where somebody walked into a bar… must work on that) about “predognition” and how you can use it in your own adventures. Not a bad deal, if I do say so.

So, for your Halloween treat, my dear Reader Peeps, here’s the Kindle link (mmmmm, links…) so that you can download your very own copy of “The Biker Chihuahua.” And if you would instead like a NOOK edition, that’s here at this link. It’s available in iBooks here. The Kobo edition is here. Have a laugh. Help a critter in need. When you fall back this weekend, curl up with a good book. Even though the days are getting shorter, you can still do it doggy-style!

The Author Reclines With His Book

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